The Major went on a trip to Amsterdam. This time, he came home rather peeved. He had experienced a slight delay at Schiphol and hadn't been immediately plied with champagne. The Netherlands also rile him in general due to an old girlfriend with whom he kept on chummy terms until one day – oops – some mean bitch accidentally dropped his mobile in a rather fickle cake base mixture while he was in the bath. Some additional twists of gentle fate ensured that not only was Bettina forever entombed in his caramelised mobile, but she was taken out of his orbit entirely. He never could figure out why she never called him again.
At any rate, he stopped suddenly in the middle of the dining room and delivered a rant:
“I’ve just opened a mailing from the KLM Flying Dutchman Club. It’s all in bloody Dutch! This is evidence of how evil they are. No one understands Dutch and the only reason why people can’t understand Dutch is because it does not really exist as a language. It is all a show to confuse foreigners - like Cockney Rhyming Slang. The Dutch actually haven't got a clue what they are saying to each other, but when foreigners are around, they sort of nod and reply in the same made-up language. Once the foreigner leaves, they tell each other what they are on about in English. KLM is a rotten bloody airline and the world's most stingy set of tight-fisted sods. With BA, if you go anywhere and back about 10 times in Club Class, you get a free ticket to anywhere, a card with a hologram, sturdy luggage tags, a CD of Now That’s What I Call An Airline 32, a box of KitKat Chunkies and as much Tetley's bitter as you can drink in twenty minutes (about 17 pints in the Major's case). If you do the same on KLM, they nominate you as "the only passenger we won't shout at" on a trip of your choice. No CD, no KitKats, no nuttin.”
At any rate, he stopped suddenly in the middle of the dining room and delivered a rant:
“I’ve just opened a mailing from the KLM Flying Dutchman Club. It’s all in bloody Dutch! This is evidence of how evil they are. No one understands Dutch and the only reason why people can’t understand Dutch is because it does not really exist as a language. It is all a show to confuse foreigners - like Cockney Rhyming Slang. The Dutch actually haven't got a clue what they are saying to each other, but when foreigners are around, they sort of nod and reply in the same made-up language. Once the foreigner leaves, they tell each other what they are on about in English. KLM is a rotten bloody airline and the world's most stingy set of tight-fisted sods. With BA, if you go anywhere and back about 10 times in Club Class, you get a free ticket to anywhere, a card with a hologram, sturdy luggage tags, a CD of Now That’s What I Call An Airline 32, a box of KitKat Chunkies and as much Tetley's bitter as you can drink in twenty minutes (about 17 pints in the Major's case). If you do the same on KLM, they nominate you as "the only passenger we won't shout at" on a trip of your choice. No CD, no KitKats, no nuttin.”
3 comments:
Good rant and like your style ref phone et al. Good shout.
It isn't a real language at all. Listen closely and you'll realise it's actually English, but they've mixed it up in half-arsed attempt to claim it as their own. Like pig latin. Or creole. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE
I have a few dutch friends and I hate them when they speak in Dutch. LOL
Post a Comment